When something terrible happens our friends, we often can't respond properly, We hurt their feelings by saying exactly what they don't want to hear; we stay away when they need. us; or if we do get in touch, we avoid the sensitive subject altogether. We don't mean to be rude or thoughtless- so why do we act this way when we really want to help? How can we find the right thing to say to a friend in a difficult situation? Here are some suggestions: Keep the focus off yourself. When you are with a friend who has suffered a tragedy, remember that you are there to provide support and comfort. Concentrate on his or her feelings rather than your own.Don't use a friend's tragedy as an excuse to drag out similar experiences you’ve had. There's nothing wrong with saying: I've been through it, I know how you must fee", but you should not say: “When my mother died, I stopped eating for a week." Not everyone experiences grief in the same way, so don't impose guilt on a person who doesn't show emotion as openly as you might. Just listen. Many painful people need to mourn, to go through the normal stages of grief and to talk about their feelings: and memories, So just 1isten, accept your friend's feelings and be understanding.Some hurting people may not want to say anything. and you have to respect that too.One man says that the best phone calls he got were from a friend who called once a day and talked for no more than a minute,letting him know she was thinking of him. Offer help. An emotionally hurt person may be overwhelmed by the details of everyday life.Offer to do something, finish a project or take the kids to their piano lessons. “When I had a broken back, I felt completely out of control," says Joan, a divorced woman with a young daughter. “When my neighbors took turns filing in for me in the car pool, it helped me relax. It was the difference between chaos and order." Be patient. The grief and sorrow can range in intensity and duration and often lasts a few years. Let the person know you're concerned. You might say:“What you're going through must be very difficult, and I don't think you have to do it alone. I’d like to help and would be always here with you”. No one can be expected to know what to say or how to act in every difficult situation. But if you begin with common sense and politeness, and focus on being supportive, s0on you will know the right way to respond.